When Will My Childhood Stop Being Ruined?

Well, after years of speculation it seems that Space Jam 2 is being green-lit by LeBron James. This news is a flaming pile of horseshit, I am irate. For too long my childhood has been ransacked and taken advantage of, this is the final straw. It was bad enough that Ghostbusters was resurrected in the name of gender equality, and a forced piece of garbage was thrust on us. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has been massacred into a bukkake of CGI. I’ve had to witness numerous attempts at Predator and Alien remakes/sequels that are too cringe worthy to sit through, and the Terminator franchise has almost made me wish Arnold didn’t have his name attached to it in the first place. I thought I, along with all my fellow early 90’s babies, would always have the timeless classic Space Jam to take solace in. Of course I was dead wrong, because why would Hollywood let a classic stay as such when they can bank on a fuck ton of Millennial jerkoffs throwing money at a movie like Space Jam 2.

Looney Tunes are not relevant to today’s youth, so I truly see no point in this movie. I don’t know if this is LeBron’s fragile ego needing to put himself into MJ’s shoes; or if this is Hollywood big-wigs with dollar signs clouding their judgment. Space Jam 2, if it truly does pan out, is going to be a putrid rape of so many poor young adults’ childhoods. I don’t care if it turns out to be better than the original (it won’t) I will blatantly shame this movie for no reason other than being unnecessary. So fuck you LeBron James, here’s to the GOAT and the only true captain of the Tune Squad, Michael Jordan.


P.S. If there isn’t a Bugs and Lola Bunny sex scene I will be demanding a refund from my local theater, and writing Warner Bros. a very stern letter.

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