After a long hiatus, your favorite terrible father is back. Having kids really really puts a damper on your blogging but this motherfucker just filled his adderall prescription and I’m ready to go.
Today I’m going to give you a list of the worst shows your future kids will watch and why they are so terrible;
1. Any show on YouTube. I’m generalizing here but shows like Ryan’s Toy Review, Cookie Swirl C, Come Play With Me, and anything Baby Shark will haunt you forever. You have the shows that sing the same song over and over for 15 minutes. Then you also have shows like Ryan’s toy review that make it impossible to go into a store without your kid screaming and throwing a hissy fit for that new toy they just saw. Come play with me is basically dolls they have in scenarios like school and shopping. Each of these make me want to blow my brains out in front of my kids just to emotionally scar them for life in hopes they will never watch them ever again.
2. Peppa Pig. Fuck this British pig. We didn’t win the Revolutionary War just for my kid to act British and call vacation holiday.
3. Ben and Holly. Another British show that has elves and fairies that ride ladybugs for transportation. Again this is America we don’t drink tea and eat crumpets, we drink beer and eat bacon.
4. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. This show may or may not be somehow connected to Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Either way this show is fucked up. The damn kid’s fish died and the parents break into a song about how it’s ok to feel sad and talk about your feelings. Fuck that, I’m not raising kids to have feelings. My family isn’t full of pussies who talk about emotions, we bottle that shit up and develop unhealthy addictions to cope with it.
5. Sesame Street. I’m adding mostly because of the damn merchandise. I can’t walk into my bathroom at night without stubbing my toe on the Elmo potty training toilet or walk into my living room at night and get creeped the fuck out because the tickle me Elmo starts laughing. Also they just added a new character named Lily that’s being billed as the first homeless character. That’s horse shit because hasn’t Oscar lived in a trash can for the entire series.
6. Tayo the little bus. Cheap knock off of the OG, Thomas the Train. The shit I am taking while writing this has more depth and charisma than this show.
I’m sure there are plenty more but I don’t want my editor to spend the whole weekend editing my ramblings.
PS. I’ll watch Paw Patrol and Blaze and the Monster Machines all day. May write something up about best kids shows so prepare yourself GMac